First Days

It is official….I have moved to Indianapolis.  I have been planning and thinking about this move for months, so it is strange that it has finally happened.  The move went really well.  In spite of my freak outs, my family was so supportive and helpful, making the move go well.  A family friend came with us who is a pro at packing and unpacking, and really made the moving process ten times faster and easier.  The most stressful part was making so many decisions so fast.  Time sped up while people were here.  Now that people have left, time has slowed, and I have started to experience what is like being the “new kid” again. The nervous knot that you have in your stomach as you walk up to a group of people you hope will accept you.  The burning questions in the back of your head: Will people like me?  What will my teacher be like?  Am I ready for this?  The awkward introductions, the standard questions people ask to get to know others that only seem to skim the surface, the desire for normalcy to return.

The first day of school always brought out my insecurities and vulnerabilities and this experience is not any different.  I have this need to feel in control and comfortable NOW, not tomorrow or in a month or two, but immediately.  Anything new that we face, whether it is a new job, a new city, or even just a new routine can suddenly shift our world until we feel like we are living in a upside down, mixed up world.  There is almost a pattern to it: we are oriented and understand the pattern of our life then suddenly something new comes our way and we are disoriented, trying to make sense of the new and unexpected.  As hard as they can be sometimes, it is good for me to have “first days” because it reminds me that the disorientation only lasts for so long.  It is the disorientation that allows me to see beyond what I have experienced before and when I am lucky enough, catch a glimpse of God.   That does not make “first days” any less difficult or scary in the moment.  However, I hope that I remember through these many “firsts” to breathe, trust, and know that God is present.