First Days

It is official….I have moved to Indianapolis.  I have been planning and thinking about this move for months, so it is strange that it has finally happened.  The move went really well.  In spite of my freak outs, my family was so supportive and helpful, making the move go well.  A family friend came with us who is a pro at packing and unpacking, and really made the moving process ten times faster and easier.  The most stressful part was making so many decisions so fast.  Time sped up while people were here.  Now that people have left, time has slowed, and I have started to experience what is like being the “new kid” again. The nervous knot that you have in your stomach as you walk up to a group of people you hope will accept you.  The burning questions in the back of your head: Will people like me?  What will my teacher be like?  Am I ready for this?  The awkward introductions, the standard questions people ask to get to know others that only seem to skim the surface, the desire for normalcy to return.

The first day of school always brought out my insecurities and vulnerabilities and this experience is not any different.  I have this need to feel in control and comfortable NOW, not tomorrow or in a month or two, but immediately.  Anything new that we face, whether it is a new job, a new city, or even just a new routine can suddenly shift our world until we feel like we are living in a upside down, mixed up world.  There is almost a pattern to it: we are oriented and understand the pattern of our life then suddenly something new comes our way and we are disoriented, trying to make sense of the new and unexpected.  As hard as they can be sometimes, it is good for me to have “first days” because it reminds me that the disorientation only lasts for so long.  It is the disorientation that allows me to see beyond what I have experienced before and when I am lucky enough, catch a glimpse of God.   That does not make “first days” any less difficult or scary in the moment.  However, I hope that I remember through these many “firsts” to breathe, trust, and know that God is present.

Moving Nostalgia: Finding God in the Ordinary

In anticipation of moving, I have been left feeling nostalgic. The sheer anticipation of moving in two days is making me look back on every moment and want to press “replay!”  It does not help that my room is empty, and all of my boxes are packed.  It probably did not help that I went to print out pictures and looked back over the past three months.  That’s when it all hit.  Pictures with friends, graduation, San Francisco, Montreat, and ordination came popping up making my heart hurt.  Each picture was such an amazing moment that I still carry with me, but can never be replicated.  None of those people will be in the exact same place again.......and it made me want to smile at the image captured, but also cry that things are changing.

Here are some of the moments... 

Graduation and leaving amazing friends!

Missing the "yawning" moments when I there are two fantastic people next to me and an awesome view twenty feet away! 

During this time on the cusp of change, I have been reminded there is something holy about the daily tasks of our lives.  Holiness happens not when we are planning the major events of our lives.  We experience God unknowingly most of the time in the moments that we do not capture.  In the customary tasks we often take for granted until they are suddenly gone.  Stopping by on an impulse to chat with a friend and then staying for the next two hours.  Holding a baby.  Sitting on the floor to read books with a toddler.  Weekly walks and runs.  Classes each day.  Instinctively picking up the phone to recount the details of your day.  

I did not realize how precious many of these habitual activities meant to me, how they fed my spirituality until I was suddenly faced with change.  Sure, I will create my own new routine that will soon be second-nature, but this move has allowed me the gift of seeing what I often cannot see in my own routine-driven world: it is the small things that make the difference.  We meet God when we least expect it: when we are rushing around doing daily routine or our marking off our to-do lists only to be confronted with a burning bush.

          So today I miss the routine, the average days that I had at seminary and this summer.  Because it is in the average that we experience Emmanuel: God with us, not just on the exceptional days but always.